March 10, 2015

Chiang Mai, Thailand

I saw an old picture of myself recently. I was in my early twenties. Fresh faced, young and oh, so naïve. But, I didn’t think so then! I was married at 19 years old for heaven’s sake… I knew what I was doing. By that time I had already dropped out of high school the spring of my senior year. I had fell miserably behind in my studies and rather than push through, I quit! The lure of making money at the local life-jacket manufacturing company was what I had in mind. That, and my boyfriend, John! In fact, I remember the deciding moment in that 17 year old brain of mine…  John was picking me up after school on that spring day in 1975, and it had been a day filled with frustration and embarrassment… of incomplete assignments in most of my classes. That’s it… I quit. I threw my books and notebooks into my messy locker, slammed the skinny locker door knowing that I was never coming back. I ran out to meet my boyfriend who was waiting in his red El Camino.

John was six years older than I. He was already working and making money at another manufacturing company in town. He had started and failed college three separate times. His parents had paid his way to college all three times but had finally told him that it was up to him next time – he’d have to pay his own way, so John decided playing in his local rock band and working at the freezer plant was just fine.

John and I decided to live together and found a mobile home on some acreage to rent. We worked and we partied. John grew marijuana in the back yard next to a few vegetables. We worked, we partied and we fought! After a few months in the trailer, I’d had enough. I grew tired of this lifestyle and knew that there was something more for me out there. I called my mom… “Mom, can you pick me up? And, bring the big car because I’m moving out!” She was thrilled! But, I knew now that with this decision I would have to change my ways… and her ways included Jesus. I was ready. I had heard and read enough to know that I did not want to be “left behind”! John was a part of my past now… or so I thought! We took a long break from each other as I cleaned up my life. I got a job at our local high-end Department store and it felt good to dress up to go to work! I attended Bible Studies and met new friends. The old ways and old friends were the ones left behind.

John began to call me again, but I was not budging from my new stance. Our telephone calls would include his questioning me about my newly found faith. I would share as much as I could as a baby Christian. I began to pray for John. He became more and more interested and began to attend Bible Studies and even a Billy Graham crusade with me. Soon we were back together – as boyfriend and girlfriend. John had changed dramatically. He had stopped drinking and even stopped smoking cigarettes. He was done with drugs and he had also made the decision to quit his house band gig at the local college bar as it was an unhealthy atmosphere for the new Christian that he was. His band-mates saw the change in him as he was now a loud witness for Christ. John wanted everyone to see how Christ had changed his life for the better and become changed themselves!

He was a new man. He wanted to get married. I was just 18 years old and not really sure that it was what The Lord would want. I needed confirmation. My mother’s Christian friends were now also our friends. We all attended the same large Presbyterian Church. There were two families of pastoral missionaries that served the church; Bill Barr Sr. and Bill Barr Jr. were instrumental in the formation of our family’s faith. John and I counseled with both pastors as to what The Lord had in mind as to if we should be married. “Yes, my children, you are to be married…” came the prophesy during a heartfelt prayer session. Well, it was confirmed through that long and prayerful prophecy. We were married on April 15^th, 1976.

Our first year of marriage was blissful! And, after much thought and prayer, deciding between Bible College or State College for John to attend, we decided SCSU – the state college, to be the best choice. He finished college in record time and also graduated Cum Laude – with honors! Two degrees; Environmental Science and Micro-Biology.

Uhmm… back to the old photograph… Upon looking at that old photo of myself, I barely recognized the pretty girl in the picture. I tried to think back to who I was…

I remember that girl to be naïve and stubborn to change her ways. She was rebellious as a teen, innocent as a young Christian woman lacking education, who then grew into a consumer driven narcissist, putting her faith in God on the lowest shelf of her life.

“Self” had reigned for both, John and myself. Fast-forward 15 years… the marriage died. Selfish ways won out. Today, as I Iook at that picture of myself, taken almost 40 years ago, I see a stranger that I barely remember. Seeing it makes me feel sad.

It reminds me of all the mistakes that I’ve made in my life. My life is good. But, how would it have been if John and I had toughed it out? He was willing to, I was not. Always the rebellious one. I guess, always the quitter.

(The following day)… I have a new perspective on that old photo.

I am NOT that girl any longer. I no longer look like her, nor do I think like her.

If I could speak to the younger version of me, what would I say?

“Listen to the voice of your heart and not your head. PRAY every day. Your Creator knows you far more than you know yourself. Listen to Him. Crack open that Bible and READ it – everyday, for at least five minutes. It’s for real!”

“You are smart and far more talented than you ever gave yourself credit for. Step out unafraid.”

“God’s got you. He can take you places beyond your wildest imaginations. Trust Him!”